-me`
Felicia.HuiTing> 17yrs old < 20jan1987 ; an old soul, a beat up heart n a million n one qns tat will probably nvr be answered.

love:beach, singing ktv, pink n white n purple, dogs, alcoholic drinks- vodka 7up, e33, play pool, me2u bear, wasabi . jap food, chinese home cooked food, arcade- kof2003, guilty-gear, ddr, dance mania, para para, shopping, dragon-boating..

-wishlist`
+canvas white sch shoes

~~+beyondparadise perfume~~

~~+me2you tatty teddy~~

~~+loreal paris pink blusher~~

+digital camera

+a big surprise

+converse pink bagpack

+lose 10 kgs

+hongkong trip/ i love Rome-italy =)

+hair extension/~~dye my hair~~

+stay overnight at chalet instead of -lying-

+Yorkshire terrier puppy

+pass my promo exam

~~+rebond n cut my hair~~

+lots of love&lots of love

+to conquer mount kinabalu

+"windstruck" vcd n poster

~~+be in his arms again~~

~~+g.u.e.s.s pink sling-bag~~

.m3moriex..
03/01/2004 - 04/01/2004 04/01/2004 - 05/01/2004 05/01/2004 - 06/01/2004 06/01/2004 - 07/01/2004 07/01/2004 - 08/01/2004 08/01/2004 - 09/01/2004

-linkies`

-tagg`

+

E+

Monday, August 30

sorry for the prev posting. jus to release my obscene emotionx.

the day was... alright. it wasnt a bad hair day. it was those where u consider the days not too cold or hot. since i;m usually afraid of the cold. it is those days where i did not need to run for the bus todae. and my eyes not stained with tears again.

kind of feel i am ugly while i slept on the bus even though i have no idea how i look like..erm when i am sleeping. wonder did i eva drool? =X ha.. i think i did..a little but who cares. no one is peeping right? ^_^

i kind of like the bus rides. sitting one end to the other. where u can jus travel and see the people and think how is the life of this person. believe me i do that sometimes when i'm sad. the life is seen thru diff padigrams. maybe i should stop writting my blog this way. i wonder who understands all this missy messy mash of words.

try placing this pointed edge of the knife and prick it into ur finger, it kind of purse and burst with a droplets of blood. u wun feel much pain jus a tiny prick. and then u feel the dripping sense kind of distract u from the pain. i dun meant to sound pervertic but thats defintely a better way than death isnt it. is just a tactic not any harmful sort of stuff. like a game. u lost u have to pay. .

i wish someone would write me a poem or maybe a song to express the beauty seen within me( if i have any). i wish someone is honest to be frank with me whether my flaws or quality. i wish someone would appear if i ever faint...this time. i wish someone would make me laugh real hard laugh out loud from the bottom of my heart. laugh endlessly. not the kind of laughters with the tears behind its screen

-+=hug me tight-+= 10:03 PM

i am torn up inside.lately i seem to be driven purely by my own greed. i am so consumed by what i believe i need and what i want, that i can't seem to rationalize what is best for me (and others involved). actually, i DO know what's best but my logical side is in the midst of an intense battle between loneliness and practicality.

it hurts. it distorts my perspective and makes me feel things i otherwise wouldn't. it feeds my insecurities and raises doubts in my own mind. the only positive element is the (questionable) feeling of love and contentment i receive as a result.

i couldnt get my hopes up high again. i couldnt face him again. everytime. i crash to reality in realization that i've created a false environment and sense of security for myself. all i could do is to be silent. to be real silent. to be engulf in my own darkness for i seek no peace in anyone's soul.

i know i sound wierd most of the time maybe to him to my family or to anyone. the excess emotions that i displayed i wonder whether shunned ppl away from me. distant. but cant be. for what i portrayed was just a mere positive image.

i fell asleep in the bus most of the time. so i would not know where my journey leads to. i sound more of a dreamer. i wish i could but i had only nightmares. if only such hurts could be prevented. 13 pages.. of hurts - unsent mail -

i never know what guys are thinkin up there. whether is it him. or others. they seems to have so much psychotic ideas n gamex up there. now just tell me what is the point? i am clueless. i am direct. i am up front. i am bold. dun tell me shilly shally jokes dun give me hints and left me dumb. i am yet a shy misery folk. shall share me none of ur feelingx. i cant reciprocate and i cant feel anything. i am alreadi unfeeling. he is still there. i feel him most of the time. his presence.

leave me alone. for the best. i have the world for my own. i am usually helpless. i can climb up on my own. dun u catch me if i fall. i'll fall hard on the ground. at least there's something stable for me this time. i would predetermined that i would hit the ground.

-+=hug me tight-+= 9:47 PM

Saturday, August 28

both my sister recommend that i should go for a mental check up and want to arrange an appointment for me with the doctor asap. well... i didnt say i was crazy... sigh*

the temple was crowded. got this very bad lot. my family in trouble. people no peace. must be aware of the people around me. people who will cheat me using buddha advice. the sick will goes a long way to be cure. a huge sum of wealth will be involved. pray more. bad luck for me and my brother too. sigh*

lets hope things will be fine after some time. lets wait for the clouds to clear for it says the moon is being covered now.

-+=hug me tight-+= 9:29 PM

Tuesday, August 24

maybe i was too shy to cry at that moment... 6.55p.m

i am feeling sicker now... i have almost been late if i missed the bus again...
for two or three consecutive days of running..to the bus stop..the sight
of the bus running away again...felt like kicking the tyre flat.

my mind was like oh my god
not again.. i tried waking up earlier but i ended up the same time as i've left the home the day before. nothing changes much either. i'll never make it up to the dot of the meeting time and i dint know that it was a necessary thing to do anymore-is there a rules for everything? - a rule for good frens-if u violate this rule ur out of the grp out of the circle plz find a more suitable place for u thank u- maybe rules for human beings too-to be of a certain standard of looks-if not u are considered an outcast/alien/wierdo-such crude names when did it eva came out of the lips of humans? the criticism used on every single bodied i am tired of these, is that jus life, and just get it over with? i am so disgust with it. every single person's flaws are pointed out on the screen,okae click the go button and it will flash it out "bling bling" and everyone hides their flaws and just want to promote the so-called good qualities.

is a dog eat dog world i know. but doesnt matter it wun change the fact or influence my thoughts now. if i start behaving the same way onli made me a clone of them cant differ from it no more. the sympathy goes out to those who struggle and i saw. those whoose tears were there mingled in fear but silently still holding back. i saw it, i was sad, i kept quiet and i listen. i cared no more to share any words of comfort. comforting doesnt seems like an ideal choice at that moment but to her she doesnt seems to have much choice except more insulting words to hurl at her. and... i realli like her no biasness or prejudice against her..there is nothing wrong with her too. it isnt fair but there is nothing fair going on anymore.
the tone doesnt sound much pleasant anyhow. who else who am i to please? exhaust*

the bus..the stench the..people.. the crowd...if u stand for an hour in the bus..u get that feeling of that u want to puke esp the guy with b.O is howering around swinging like a monkey. boy em' glad yun was with me. wat would i do without her? i might have jus got out of the bus run to the opposite bus stop and get right back home to la la land. the no. of buses i took now actualli increases to 5 bus todae..lolx.. amaze? yes indeed. but i decide to shorten it by running of cos...thats when i get to shed the desire pounds of me.

i swear if i down this piece of chocolate buttery cake, it will make me feel beta. to forget those woes to forgo those wrongdoings. it doesnt get much beta..which is sad. the dinner with S.Y was nice was great... i have to eat to stop myself from choking of any emotions..maybe i will just cry into the rices... chuckle* i bought the chocolate i need to put an end to my agony. if i munch on anything sweet...maybe i'll feel e day is getting by sweeter... and maybe i wont feel so much of the thing that is supressing against my heart.

if i start talking again or talking non stop thats becos i cant stop the clattering between my teeth or the nervous and aggitation i felt so long pressing n pressing into my mind. i urge him to understand wat i mean by emphasising again n again strengthin on my point. and again even if he dun gets it.. i was smiling already. it was comforting enough. becos he makes me laugh at how simple he is. just there and his laughters n joy is infectious. i couldnt stand the thought of shedding that tears in the crowded area so i might as well shut up and look away some distance crack some jokes and lighten my heart =) silence seems more like a harmonious tune now. the more i eat now doesnt comfort me at all. the comfort of eating appears in the night. or maybe i am just hungry. and the pillow, the bath room and the living room best place of isolation. u know the bathroom is for howling, the pillow is for sobbing and the living room is of cos for weeping lolx.

wats the online blog for... for people to pry into ur inner self and make some critics about ur emotions ur thoughts ur perspective? i have no idea. what if someone look into here and ah..i spotted it..she's talking abt me.. my god she such a bitch..etc etc etc. wats the pt then? wateva. it doesnt matter any how. the blog is just a place for gossip? when u idle ur time and u just want to see the life of the person. well it doesnt realli matter who will end up reading this. i guess i just want to pen down these thoughts before i go into a craze or my insanity level goes up becos i just jump out of bed to write this.... in the end what comes out of all this thing. does a blog entry actualli becomes like a book for someone to read? who will bothers about all this except the writer itself? why do we care abt colours we potray on the screen the image etc. even a diary is now sterotyped then.

i've made this entry a joyful one. joyful entry would make a day brighter. right.

-+=hug me tight-+= 10:39 PM

Monday, August 23

there is no fairy tale; no castle; no princess; no warriors
there is the woods; the hunters; the tribal; no humanity

if i remain silence. does the silence hurts ur ears?
if i spoke with some defiance. does it pricks ur heart?
if i stammer in some tears. does it breaks ur soul?
if i...spoke in perfectly-sound words. does that strangeness intrigue you?

alone sounds good

-+=hug me tight-+= 10:27 PM

there is this opening in the xxxxx becos it is hollow
if u shout into
it.. it will echo...
the reflection of it..would be my...

-+=hug me tight-+= 10:20 PM

Sunday, August 22

the fallen angel:: "they say i'm beautiful but they dun know im' broken"

rem how it dawn on me this "Sinner" this word. and always i never broke that circle.
it was always back to square one..clap clap* i was the one who make the call tellin my soul to get back right away. wats hurt?

wished..that those words of comfort came out of ur golden mouth... instead
wished those jokex were meant to be laughters

-+=hug me tight-+= 11:48 PM

i am jus afraid to acknowlege this fear...
the feelings- the blue the red the colours fade the black the white - all tumble into a ball

i felt those -butterflies in the stomach- this intensity...
i could hardly rem the last time i felt this way..was it during my Os?
but the amt of pressure surmount to such high peak right now is strangling me...

i've spent the whole morning of yest and todae...studying like hell...
chocolates - to indulge in it would be my -esctasy-

my friends my pals...am i neglecting them? i fear...i did so. .

-lend me a hug- give me a kiss -send me a smile- bring me some gifts
-tell me a joke- make me a cake - draw me a card - sign me ur name

sentosa. buffets. ktv. twins-effect. face. birthdaes. teachers' day.
such events excites me. i could be on cloud 9 now. dun wake me.
disperse those thoughts and ur face with the ultimate:
lets count to the days again..was it another 46 till that big day. well lesser..since i having my chinese at 24thsep.

-+=hug me tight-+= 6:07 PM

Friday, August 20

I am what you see; if you love me, this is all you're going to get. You cannot change me, you cannot alter me, you cannot interfere with my emotions.

If you don't like me, don't say that you do, because you're getting nothing out of me. I am what you see, I am what you get.Don't try to change me, because only I have the right to change myself.While you are poweless

-+=hug me tight-+= 4:53 PM

Dear you,
I'm in love with you once again. Prepare to hear and sense my screams, my shivers, my tears, my sadness, my sorrow, and my blood flowing.
Love from,Me

-+=hug me tight-+= 4:41 PM

Friday, August 13

i've told almost every single person i see...
56 days to promo.. ! i am all so worked up about it...no more failing no retain nope not all these stupid ideas in my mind. you just got to go higher n higher faster than everyone else!
no matter what... i am going to ace it this time!
i am so sick of project work. . . come on let's just get it done n over with plz!

i have no more time.
time is catching up on me.
i have this burst of energy
even when i am going dizzy
i've got the power
i'm going to go for it..

i slept at one plus i woke up at 3?
i slept again and i woke up at 5...
i am tired... eek... got to recharge now...
is going to be some hard work now...
i am tough =)z

-+=hug me tight-+= 5:26 PM