Friday, June 25

to be wrapped in anguish
to be torn apart
to be invisible
to be ripped of hatred
to be overwhelemed with pain
but after all
to be empty
till my existence surface
and then i am "nothing" at all

-+=hug me tight-+= 9:05 PM

omg.. i shouldnt have thrown my temper like this
i'm not usually like this. i'm getting so frustrated
had this terrible quarell with my sister. she nearly slapped in the face.
becos i told her to slap me hard if she buey song me somemore..
i also going crazy asking her to shut up...guesss she is v hurt and i cant be bothered.
she always haf her ways. i sick of it too.
been moody and upset and angry and frustrated todae. i shouldnt have been like this.
...... haix... just be a . l . o . n . e

-+=hug me tight-+= 8:52 PM

-my existence is nothing but a nusiance-

...what is wrong with me...

-+=hug me tight-+= 8:46 PM

Wednesday, June 23

anyway todae..also nothin much
studied a little. hang out with yewbeng.
then meet up with yx to get the dictionary from him.
haix.... now hp spoil arggg...

-+=hug me tight-+= 10:54 PM

didnt realise it hurts so much
suppression really kills.
slices u into 2. hard to breathe
vague vision. transform all into illusion

-+=hug me tight-+= 10:35 PM

letters sealed. un-sent.
words unspoken. hidden.
surge of pain. secret.
lies told. for happiness.
imagination. exempted.
pain. sweet.

-+=hug me tight-+= 8:25 PM

so thy - kungFu Girl - love - spiderman

my world. grey.
loud music. the dance
full of strangers. the crowd
depression. the tears
chinatown.eerie old mans.
painful needles. the operation
the heart of stone. the love.
the bus. wasting time.
dictionary. token

it jus begun....
You begin to get dizzy
As nothingness encases you
Your body feels so very heavy
Your knees begin to feel weak
Everything around you floats away
You come face to face to your reality.
The thoughts which control your soul.
The thoughts that took your life away.
You fall on the floor as tears drown you.
You see your path, so dark..so dreary.
Again you realize that you are lost.
To stubborn to get help.
To scared to scream.
To lost to dream.
A hand grabs your throat and each breath gets harder to breathe.
The air is being sucked out of your lungs.
But this isnt the end...its not even close...for the torture has just begun.

Love is a smoke made with the fume of sighs,
Being purged, a fire sparkling in lovers' eyes,
Being vexed, a sea nourished with lovers' tears.
What is it else? A madness most discreet,
A choking gall and a preserving sweet.
- - - William Shakespeare "Romeo and Juliet"

-+=hug me tight-+= 7:53 PM

i closed my eyes..this moment and i enter into the peaceful garden where everyting is jus beautiful. i opened my eyes to my horror as i travelled thru again into the frustration city. everywhere is grey. i couldnt see much light. every place is dim. i'm afraid i might trip. the flowers have withered. the night has engulfed it.

i have just recover some of my sleep last night. even though the pills might keep me aWake. but the prev night i havent slept a wink. i mopped the floors todae. cleaned up the room. eaten. read thru my notes. did the sums. learnt the equations. in the end i realised i'm really bored./// i do not want to play pool /// i do not want to go parkway// so i rejected them...hAIxz...yet i dO want to go out. but i do not think it is right to go out at this point of time.aRgg

okae.. i'm going out.

-+=hug me tight-+= 1:00 PM

Tuesday, June 22

i realli feel like puking now. jus reached home. feel so terrible.......maybe i shouldnt have eaten at all. ate some indian food from this charitable restuarant was realli famous. wanted to go there all along. finally. realli like the atmosphere there. quiet and nice and everything.
had this relaxing day singing ktv with leon gabriel and sherin. well got to know sherin better realli like this cute little girl. =) she's REal..haha.. i mean jus straight forward! great character! very sporting. okae. so it wasnt the best day todae. but one of the better ones. i tink i'm realli weak..hah.. recently days seems like.. me alone somewhere walking around but not realli lost or blur like usual. jus sitting down somewhere and staring into space. if not i'll jus have a serious headache. is either blank or too many things to think about. was thinkin what will happen if i fail my promo..of cos tat will never happen.well jus wondering.
yest watched this comedy which makes me cry....or was it myself acting wierd again? actually is holland village. shows the part when xiaoxing recover his memory and of cos chose jingjing rather than angel. then xiaoxing seems to become the actual self where his best fren betrays him his company and stuff.and angel was there to give all her support. then the show keep reflects on jingjing's stupidity and ignorance. xiaoxing scolded her twice...really so painful..her heart..and the f*Cking angel keep saying those ..so call very nice stuff..but aiya.. jus make things worse. she appears the intellectual one the mature one the one who can help his dear richard in everything..the one to share.everything. what f*cking story is this. cant watch it anymore so i change channel. and started dooling all over the blank papers.i thought i could draw a nice picture it turns out like rubbish. and i'm destroying trees.

-+=hug me tight-+= 8:41 PM

was on the phone till abt 3 a.m last night. tot i would fall into a deep deep sleep but no no .. i was tossing around till 6a.m then 7a.m finally i jus wake up lorhx.. i think is the side effect of the pills ,jus weigh myself tis morning lost a kg. maybe is not? haix....dun know..i hope..i hope.. to be thin ba..

-+=hug me tight-+= 8:21 AM

Monday, June 21

was a terror at the clinic todae..yeap
thanks to my grrrrreatest buddy - LEON - claps* haha his sacrifies to my pain..caused his agony...well he is sure the super-man.. ^_*
guess he suffered a little minor injuriesx..erm hmm..
wah lao..was realli terrified..can say the process was realli..horrible and the pain was a little unbearable.i cant even bear to see what they using to chop off that thingy. but anyway the matter is resolve. =) went down to find my ma..guess she also superb happie to see moi. and then..went to this chinese sin seh for slimming. the massaging was nothin much a bit painful and the cost is like 48++ and u got to come back for more. i was quite tempted as this was my 1st official day to slim down. i realli hope it works and the pills too. but whatever. i also not much mood. didnt even eat my lunch or dinner todae. felt like vommitting. felt headache. felt my leg pricking with needles. arggg..and then todae my sis was telling me again " you better lose some weights lar" .. -_-""" i have no comments anymore, this time was not so much angry le..since i will be slimmer than her this way or any other ways. my mood is -------- a big blank. not happie of cos. empty feelingx is the best? fi\\ up the blankx dEn.

-+=hug me tight-+= 10:20 PM

Sunday, June 20

i'm so guilty. i ate chocolate todae.!!! omg... so sad..and this morning tis day she comes to attack on my bad points again! argg... tml going to see doctor le.to remove the warts on my leg. hope it doesnt hurts..awww...*

-+=hug me tight-+= 9:40 PM

Saturday, June 19

i'm so freaking upset. realli i am.. and i realli am!!!
i just wished to scream at the top of my lungs at her "stop it lar!!"
i told her off and thats it. she keep saying i'm eating too much? but i'm not eating much lately actualli. i dun know what the fuck she keep saying "oh u dun look that thin wat" or watever another fucking comment from her. todae seems such a lousy day. no badminton and with jiajia and the rollarblade mess again. i dun realli blame her but i do hate the other fucking bitch who..has no f dignity. aRggg..

i'm realli angry with my sister now. i left the room and i dun wish to talk to her. she kept putting me down with the "oh i'm so fit and ur fat.." with one big capital F meaning fuck off. not the the "f" for the "fAT". yeahx. i do know i'm fat right now doesnt makes u much thinner. wats to compare? i'm ur sister. i ask her" why u keep saying i'm fat?" "am i that fat alreadi?" then she laugh and say yes u are, becos i tink u should lose weight! she tells me that everytime i finish my dinner.she thinks she is little princess with her long tresses..and she flips her hair at me. and she thinks her skin is silk like butter. oh please. of all people, plz dun compare u to me. i dun even bother abt how i look. for the upteenth time stop telling me that i cant dress properly becos is ONLY the NTUC..whos looking? some f salesman? i cant stand it anymore. i told her off and say i'll lose that weight u want me to be thin. i might as well be sick. ur the best, go be a model all u wish. look in the mirror until it cracks. i jus look in the mirror for a while and u say i'm vain. yet i was actualli thinkin "i'm ugly todae" so will u stop putting me down ? or are u continue to insult me with ur snooty looks?..give me a break...... realli... i alreadi hate the way i look now but i certainly dun agree with u.. i'm trying my best to thin down..so leave me alone if not i 'll bite u and u'll regret!!..arr..h....... .......

-+=hug me tight-+= 10:23 PM

Friday, June 18

i can't stand the reflection of myself..
whether i'm getting paranoid or not..
i realli hate the way i look right now..

-+=hug me tight-+= 9:40 PM

Tuesday, June 15

i'm realli glad that i've step thru this dark phrase
all these horrible moments that i've got to tremble thru alone.
i'm so happie that my days are so much brighter now with you around.
is so sweeeet now.. so hard to describe how i feel now. couldnt stop smiling..
no matter how hard shall we try to avoid, how could we deny our own feelings? how could we lie to ourselves? ... my love is loud...can u hear it? i've mopped the floors i've hang the clothes i;'ve studied.. i've do everyting right this time. the clock has been fixed. things doesnt move slower than before. my life is right becos of you.. ur the light ur the motivation ur the sweetest love..the best.. =) sigh*

-+=hug me tight-+= 4:27 PM

new 10 commandments

1. Never accept any thing on faith. Faith is just an excuse for laziness. Get out and do some research on the origins of your god. Question things that don't make sense or defy logic. Don't accept ignorance.

2. Find out where the money you donate really goes. Most churches are big business organizations which prey on the fears of the sick and elderly, or try to influence minors before they can think for themselves. They are not required to give an accurate accounting of funds taken in.

3. Realize that every tax concession given to a religious organization must be made up in some other way. You, the tax payer, are supporting religions you may not even believe in, or approve of. Demand a full accounting of all funding churches receive. Find out how much actually goes to charitable causes, how much goes to outreach propaganda, how much goes into business investments, and how much is sent to headquarters. Would this money be better distributed by your local government to aid the community? If this income were taxed, how much would your community benefit?

4. Consider Robert Ingersoll's maxim: "Hands that help are better far than lips that pray." When you send money to a mission overseas do you really know what is happening? Don't you think that tools would be more helpful to an impoverished nation than bibles? Don't hospitals perform more miracles than churches?

5. Do not sit back and accept that everything is "All In God's Plan". That is a cop out! Take responsibility for your own life. Get out and do something in your community to make this world a better place. If you wait for divine intervention, you'll be waiting a long time.

6. Be a good person, not because you fear the wrath of god but because you want to help. Be kind to all living things because you respect life and are capable of making good choices on your own. If god is as merciful as some religions would like you to believe, then he'll forgive those who think logically. If he is as vengeful and unforgiving as other religions claim, then who would want to live with a tyrant like that?

7. Realize that all animals have feelings, display emotions, have dreams, feel hope and give love. They also feel pain, terror, grief and loneliness. Whether you believe in a god or not, you must accept that we share the world with other creatures and should strive to treat them all with compassion. Treat animals with the same respect you would treat someone of a different culture. Just because you don't understand them, doesn't mean they are not sentient beings.

8. Examine the roots of racial and sexual prejudices. They often have a religious origin. Remember that the history of most religions is bloody, cruel and repressive, no matter how much they claim to be based on love.

9. Don't expect a god to solve the world's problems. Look to science, technology and humanity for help. These items were repressed in the Dark Ages by religious leaders who feared losing power over their ignorant followers.

10. After diligent study, make a mature and knowledgeable decision. Decide which god, if any, is needed to make your life full.

-+=hug me tight-+= 3:59 PM

love is ...running into his arms. colliding with his heart, and exploding into his soul.

i can run anywhere..but i'll always ended up in his arms..

i'm so hAppie....... =)

-+=hug me tight-+= 9:46 AM

Saturday, June 12

i feel b-e-a-u-tiful..toDAE.. onli toDae..
haha.. i'm crazy.. been downloading alot songx recently..
anyway went working todae. rather pleasant. slept alot toDae..yawnx..
i'm trying to go on a diet. i hope i grow taller some days...
next wed is k box day! anyway will start studying on mondae..PROMISE!!!

Don't look at me Every day is so wonderful
And suddenly, it's hard to breathe
Now and then, I get insecure
From all the fame, I'm so ashamed

I am beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring me down
I am beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring me down
So don't you bring me down today

To all your friends, you're delirious
So consumed in all your doom
Trying hard to fill the emptiness
The piece is gone and the puzzle undone
That's the way it is

-+=hug me tight-+= 7:35 PM

Friday, June 11

catch up some old timex with nessa. nothin much to do. todae was realli damm boring..
b-o-r-i-n-g... anyway i try cheering myself up lately and is kind of working? ya speakin of working.. tml start working a-g-a-i-n.. pretty sick of it.. but wat to complain? get a grip and move on ! kan ba te!!

Woke up early this morning, made my coffee like I always do.
Then it hit me from nowhere, everything I feel about me and you.
The way you kiss me crazy, baby you're so amazing.

Seven days and seven nights of thunder,
The waters rising and I'm slipping under.
I think I fell in love with the 8th world wonder.

I guess that I'm just falling deeper into something I've never known.
But the way that I'm feeling, makes me realize that it can't be wrong.
You're love's like a summer rain, washing my doubts away.

i love this song!power! woah!!!! love it love it!!... but no one to kiss? kiss my lovely doggiex..muackzz!!!okae lets stop being sad for a day then 2 days then foreva okaE???? if not my head is hurting than my heart hurtx more than everything hurtx too...smile.. my examz are coming.. i should start studying but i dun know where my books are now?!?!

well my feelingx..are captured in this song :: -without you- ::

Never even thought to cry
When I heard you say goodbye
Never said where you were going

There's no laughter in the air
Only silence everywhere
And so much left unspoken

Since you've been gone
I haven't been the same
I wish that i could see
Who's to blame

Without you, where do I belong?
Without you, how can I go on?
And No love but yours will ever do
Tell me how am i supposed to live my life?
Without you

Was I lost in you and me
To the point i couldn't see
That what we had was dying

Now it's all that I can do
To see photographs of you
And stop myself from crying

I should learn to live without your love
Got so many memories
But it's not enough

I feel helpless and, oh, so all alone
Like I've never felt before
You made me feel alive
But I don't remember what it's like anymore

-+=hug me tight-+= 9:52 PM

Wednesday, June 9

mondae's camp..not bad..climbing over the gate nearly killed my life
kind of slip..the bulb wire..a terror..like prisoners..desperate to get out of there..
tired and shag meet w.s.. couldnt realli get to sleep went out walk and got some drinks..
i had a sip or two..err..few bottles..didnt realli realise was abit drunk..that i could barely walk properly...i actualli thirst for some alchol...i know deep down inside i was upset realli..upset..then it happen.. i couldnt stop my tears...it just pour out of me..
i called him.....alot of times.. i dint realli know how mani times i press the no. i couldnt get him.. my mind bursting..in pain..feel like vomitting..i realli miss him...i realli do.. every word he says now realli hurts me. i'm begging realli. i want to be beside u..plz... let me..

-+=hug me tight-+= 12:39 PM

Sunday, June 6

argg..
anyway todae..was..a pretty irritating day
i dun know why. the crowd..was okae..managable.
my sister bought some clothes for her bf for herself.
yea none for me. aint i a good little girl todae? ^_*
anyway it was like i dress up okae i did dress up, it was horrible
i feel so ugly. becos is like wear so nice then go those hot hot places
and muz squeeze with the crowd. i dun really know wats the point...
but is nice spending some time with her. and we had a good laugh. a few squables.

i realise realli not many ppl truely understands me
for example..i truly gets irritable when ppl tries to console me
without having a real clue of how i'm feeling and they jus assume
my character my feelings my emotions or my way of life.
my mind keep telling me what the fuck..shut up..plz..
u dun know how to talk dun talk. it just make it worse.
dun try to strike a conversation. it just won;t do u any good.
okae. but i try to be kind with words. but is pretty understandable
that ppl r like this. who knows? i might be just one of those.haix.
god bless me!

-+=hug me tight-+= 9:42 PM

some day todae.. a bright sunny warm sundae..
the sun on my face..kind of sorching me..
i missed...myself.. the cheerful one..
yea yang is right.. unhappie just say it out..
know i just trying to keep myself happi by trying hard to be happie
who likes a sulky face?

i did cried.

Like last time, it was because somebody added another drop to my sea of sadness and I overflowed. It was me yet again. Just... my fault.

I don't cry all the time. If I cry, I must be quite upset, because I seem to have a rock instead of my heart.

yest was pretty fun. i did enjoyed myself honestly i did. since quite a long time. although i didnt even do much or go for a movie. but just okae my dancing craze acting on me again. well so long also nvr see yang, he still a cheerful one except seems to be a "little" mature le =)z maybe grown up le ba. anyway realli nicee for him to accompany me to take bus to suntec etc etc. realli nice lor. since like saturdae very hard to ask ppl out at last minute.usually tot everyone very eng one. but anyway doesnt realli matter.i just need to go out and breathe some air. then is like finally meet up with leon. have some talk. then go shopping for clothes. but much to my enthusiam, the clothes like..dun realli fit me. maybe i'm fat le. but in e end i got buy one purple top which i like it very long until now recently got sale. got like one tube dress also but it seems like the last piece then jus forget it also look like very worn out. arggg...
i know i seems ugly these days i realli dun have an idea why do i look so shag? and realli ppl quit telling me that~!! kind of depressing. when ppl tells u that u look pale ur eyes look dull, ur just so un-attractive. i've tried smiling a little more. tried laughing to blend in. i've tried. okae..trying hard now. need some little encouragement dearx. okay..been waitin for his reply. nil.......okae.. i am i am..sad..okae.. i admit i am sad. jus a little. okae..terriblely sad.ultimate alreadi. i will stop being sad okae.i;ll try. i jus want to see......him

some pics taken with leon yesterdae out side some shopping centre think ppl think we crazy.lolx..well i love his camera phone!

ain't we sweeet?

^_* lolx.. *eek* i look pale.. cheese!
frenx 4eva cheers!

-+=hug me tight-+= 9:29 PM

Thursday, June 3

"..once so beautiful; now so grotesque.."

i feel so pale.. i do look pale..
my hair a mess... and i know tht everyone is staring
quit telling me that i look sick..
becos i;m not.. that weak

i';ve cut my hair.. i 've make it straight.
it sucks..still.. cant stand the look in the mirror
and quit it.. i should stop crying..
really i should STOP!

All the pain I thought I knew
All my thoughts lead back to you
Back to what was never said
Back and forth inside my head
I can't handle this confusion
I'm unable; come and take me away

I feel like I am all alone
All by myself I need to get around this
My words are cold, I don't want them to hurt you
If I show you, I don't think you'd understand
Cause no one understands

-+=hug me tight-+= 8:31 PM